PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed,
for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational
skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including
trips to primitive camping sites on rainy
weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated,
at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina
of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying
wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple
homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social
gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys,
and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared
for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance
and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn
18 because of the assumption that college will
help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and
wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance ,
no pension, no tuition reimbursement ,
no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life
if you play your cards right.


FOOTNOTE : THERE IS NO RETIREMENT
-- EVER!!!